Why I Should be Proud of Myself

I feel like this a weird post to write, but I feel like it is something I need to do.  I'm also really trying to fight the feelings of thinking I'm big headed or stupid for writing this.

Anyway, self confidence and praising my self has always been something I've struggled with.  I am so hard on myself and never ever give my self credit for any good things I do. In my heart of heart, I probably do know that I've achieved a lot, but as soon as I admit to that I feel like I'm being big headed.  It is just nicer hearing other people are proud of you, I guess, but I need to learn to be proud of myself too.  So, here's why I should be proud of myself.

I'm currently in my final year of university.  I only have 4 assignments left to complete until I finish for good.  After the longest and most difficult 5 years of my life, I'm almost finished.  I started uni in 2013, absolutely terrified, but a tiny bit excited.  I never had as many mental health problems as I do now, but that first year affected me in ways I was not prepared for.  Everything that could possibly go wrong, did. I ended up having to basically leave half way through because I was in such a horrendous place and it just was not safe for me to continue.  So 2014 came round and it was time for me to start again in the hope I was ready to deal with it again. I wasn't.  But I carried on and pushed through thanks to amazing supportive friends (Rebecca-Marie, you) The end of the year was not good, my Grandad was seriously ill and in hospital and a couple of months later, he passed away.  Another set back.  I had to take a break from uni, again.  This time I carried on living down in my house as I didn't want to have a whole year of not doing anything as I knew it would end up with me quitting and not going on to do my second year.  So second year came round and I was so nervous as I was a year behind than my course friends so I now had to attempt to make new friends with people who were already friends. Not easy.  I did it though and at least I still had my housemates.  Second year was difficult and knowing my housemates would be graduating when I also should have been was really hard.  I also started intense CBT in London (no where near my uni) so I was doing that weekly which was extremely tough.  I had times when all I wanted to do was leave, but I didn't and I completed second year.  Then results came round, and two of my marks and been put in the wrong way which meant I had failed.  It took me a couple of days to realise this and wow were these two days tough.  Anyway, it got sorted and I hadn't failed.

Finally, I had got to third year.  I felt better this time.  Therapy had helped me an incredible amount. I  was nervous about having to live by myself, but for once I did feel ok about going back to uni after the summer.  Surprise surprise, it started badly.  I hadn't heard from my uni mentor who I had been seeing since I started.  So, I called wellbeing and found out she had left.  She had told them that everyone she had been seeing had graduated.  My heart sunk, I was so annoyed and upset that she had either just forgotten about me or just didn't care.  Anyway, I got a new mentor.  I get on with her well now but it wasn't so good at first.  So here we are, just over a month until I finish for good.  I worked out recently that I'm not going to end up with the grade I wanted, I've been so upset the past couple of weeks and was ready to quit, but you know what?  I don't care.  I can finally admit that I am so proud of myself for getting to this point after everything I have been through.  Knowing how awful my mental health has been and how hard university is gernally, I've done bloody good to get to this point.

Another thing I know I should be proud of my myself for is how much achieved during recent therapy. I faced so many of my fears, I even had a blood test and didn't faint.  Pretty big deal for me. I may have recently relapsed which I am devastated about, but I guess I just need to remember the things I did achieve because they still stand.  I am proud of my self and I have every right to be. Just hope this doesn't come across as big headed.

If any of you are struggling with uni or even therapy, I fully believe you will get there. If I can do it, anyone can.

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